Scientists say an 8.9 earthquake here could knock down buildings, flood coastal areas... and improve the roads.

People are very narcissistic. It's not all their fault. We live in a society where there is a magazine for you, a channel for you, a perfume for you.

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing - Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".

Next week John Boehner will be sitting behind Barack Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of 'Old Yeller.' The state of our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.'

Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America, except he has to show I.D. when he votes.

Germs do not have a political party.

If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican.