Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

Religion is bad and drugs are good.

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home.

If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't be destroyed, then implant one in your uterus and bring it to term. That's right, put your cervix where your mouth is.