What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts.

What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can't do in a lot of other countries.

More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.

New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.