When people say to me, 'You hate America,' I don't hate America. I love America. I am just embarrassed that it has been taken over by people like evangelicals, by people who do not believe in science and rationality. It is the 21st century. And I will tell you, my friend. The future does not belong to the evangelicals. The future does not belong to religion.

Do you think if it was the fairy tale about a man who lived inside of a whale and it was religion that Jack built a beanstalk today, you would know the difference? Why do you believe in one fairy tale and not the other? Just because adults told you it was true and they scared you into believing it, at pain of death, at pain of burning in hell.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!!

It could be anything. It could be Jesus and it could be the Furby and it could be the lint that lives in my navel, but it's probably not. Whatever it is, I doubt we as humans on Earth could have any perception of it while we're here. So, why give yourself a headache thinking about it. Just be a good person. That's what an ethicist is.