America is like a dog. I'm sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can't actually explain issues to a dog.

Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.

When I hear from people that religion doesn't hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

New Rule: All Fox News employees must now refer to President Bush as "my liege". If they are going to treat President Bush like he's an infallible king, they need to start addressing him as if he was an infallible king. And they can do this by addressing him as "my liege".