Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.'

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

Sometimes I'm dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why...because I'm addicted.

Stupidity is not another form of knowledge.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.