The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.

If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.

I'm okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.

The food is out of this world!

Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.