Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

The Republicans proved they are not the party of 'no.' They're the party of 'f**k, no!'

When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens.

The president had a press conference about this this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, 'Like having no plan ever stopped me before.'. He has something even more deadly in store for them - we're going to bring them democracy.

Disneyland's a mess. And it's not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.