If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position

In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.