People say to me all the time, "I get my news from your show." And that isn't the way they should get their news. But the choice is not between getting their news the right way and getting their news from my show. The choice is that they won't get any at all unless you give it to them in an entertaining package.

I never hear terrorists say 'Merry Christmas,' only 'Allahu Akbar'.

Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.

They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.

What is Kanye West's message? Like most rap, "I am the greatest person ever and you're not." I used to call it affirmative action for the ego.

I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?

Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!