People say to me all the time, "I get my news from your show." And that isn't the way they should get their news. But the choice is not between getting their news the right way and getting their news from my show. The choice is that they won't get any at all unless you give it to them in an entertaining package.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!