I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.

Why is Mitt Romney not bragging: 'I covered all these people'? Why can't the Democrats sell the idea, we're trying to make you well? Is that such a hard sale?

In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.

I'm not a joiner. I don't like organizations.

Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there's also a lot to laugh at, I think it's a good balance.

White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way!