America is like a dog. I'm sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can't actually explain issues to a dog.
Bill MaherAmericans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.
Bill MaherScientists say an 8.9 earthquake here could knock down buildings, flood coastal areas... and improve the roads.
Bill MaherIf you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
Bill MaherGuns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room.
Bill Maher