Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

This is my question for conservatives: don't you want to live, too?

Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.

I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream. To sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.

When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.

I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes.