If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity - mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism - mumbling to the wall, Islam - mumbling to the floor.

It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.

The Hollywood executives are, like, ‘We’re not racist, we just have to pretend to be racists because we’re capitalists. We want to sell our movies in China (and) they don’t like Kevin Hart.’

Disneyland's a mess. And it's not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.

Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.

Republicans look to find the future and they find radio.