Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?

Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'

The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that's what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.

I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says.

When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole?