During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party.

A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota.

Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.