During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Lip-synching?! Let that be a lesson. If you are in Washington, D.C., and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company or a bank.

The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you'll wind up with a lover.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.

If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.