Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we're not united as a country.

No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.

In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, 'It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.'

Religion is bad and drugs are good.

One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it's all fun.