Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

Don't wear bacon cologne. If you put on...you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who is tempted to wear bacon cologne, it's not like you could get laid any less.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.

New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, 'John Kerry hates our troops'.

When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty."