Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America, except he has to show I.D. when he votes.

Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.

New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.

Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a 'tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.'

Even when [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke said the recession was over ... you think that would have been a bigger boom somewhere, but it seems we just take everything in stride.

[Obamacare] was going to be the Republicans' big issue, and they're not talking about it because it's working.

I used to stay at the Trump [hotels] and I just wouldn't now. The people were great, but I wouldn't stay at a 'birther' hotel.