My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

I'm not a joiner. I don't like organizations.

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.

I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'

We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.