Religion is bad and drugs are good.

Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag.

I think there is a problem, though, with the media gushing over [Obama] too much. I don't think he thinks that he's all that, but the media does. I mean, the coverage after, that I was watching, from MSNBC, I mean these guys were ready to have sex with him.It's embarrassing.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I'm beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.

Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.