New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn’t. And you have to tell her it costs $204,000 to raise it until it turns eighteen, in 2028, where it will be a slave to the Chinese, in a radioactive world with no animals, fish, or plants.

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.

Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?

People on the right say to people like me, Oh, you hate America. And I always say, No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it. If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider. And Also FOX News makes people stupider.