Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what's that smell?

There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they're crazy.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.