Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.

You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.

The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that's what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.

Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs - another blonde airhead.

Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama.

Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.