The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that's what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.

You can behead people, you can crucify them, you can cut their hearts out and eat them on YouTube...but, don't screw with the place where God hid America's oil.

Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

I don't do heroin myself, but it's done wonders for my music collection.

President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy.