Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I'm a man of few words." "If you read more, you might have a larger vocabulary.

I like my smock. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock smock smock smock smock smock.

Verbing weirds language.

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.

Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.

I guess I just don't have the killer instinct that I think makes a great political cartoonist.