Humanity would have plunged into a new dark age of absolutely frightening and appalling characteristics without Churchill.

We need to look at our nannying, mollycoddled, politically correct culture in my view, which stops kids from going out and playing competitive sport. I also think we need to look at the shear fatness of the regulations which control people who want to help kids play sport.

I lead a life of blameless domesticity and always have done.

I'm no communist.I'm a tax cutting Conservative. But I want a capitalism that is fairer to forgotten people.

I love tennis with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around.

He is like some sherry-crazed old dowager who has lost the family silver at roulette, and who now decides to double up by betting the house as well.

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.