Oh, I know: If you're fat, let's not blame you, let's sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin' out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it's the tobacco company's fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let's blame the gun industry!

When you're at a comedy club, if you're not funny, you don't work. People will let you know, whether it's by booing or yelling for you to get out of the club. People are drunk or whatever and they'll let you have it.

I hope that nothing ever wussifies me to deny my own personal beliefs. Brainwashed wussies have been taught that standing up for yourself and defending your personal point of view makes you a close-minded hate monger. One must also be respectful of dissenting belief while supporting their own.

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?

I don't hate cats...as long as they stay on the freeway, where they belong.

I bring up God alot in my show, know why? Because I miss him.

If God is a crutch, then atheism is a coma.