I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by that.

I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.

If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.

I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.