I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by that.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny.

My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.

Don't let dialog about your company happen without your perspective.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cltaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?

I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.