When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody in the business knows: Up for singers, down for comics. The people want to idealize a singer. They want to feel superior to a comic. You're trying to make them laugh. They can't laugh at someone they're looking up to.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.