My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

Why should I be angry at someone when they are out dancing?

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.