Always remember that, nine times out of ten, you probably aren’t having a full-on nervous breakdown – you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit. You’d be amazed how easily and repeatedly you can confuse the two. Get a big biscuit tin.

You can always tell when a woman is with the wrong man, because she has so much to say about the fact that nothing's happening.

I could have written a misery memoir and instead I tried to make it funny. I never complained.

It's just a horrible thing to keep saying to a woman, do you want a baby inside you? I mean, it's creepy.

Self-harm - the world will come at you with knives anyway. You do not need to beat them to it.

When you live in a small house with five younger siblings, it's actually far more sensible- and much quicker- to cry alone.

Let's all go and be feminists in the pub.