Everything was blamed on Castro. Mudslides in California. The fact that you can't buy a decent tomato anymore. Was there an exceptionally high pollen count in Massapequa, Long Island, one day? It was Castro, exporting sneezes.

Do my ears deceive me, or can I actually hear the sounds of worms turning? You say a turning worm makes no sound? But how about a chorus of turning worms?

Canadians are very well behaved, they don't throw their food.

It was a given in our family that my father was a grocer so that I wouldn't have to be.

When someone reaches middle age, people he knows begin to get put in charge of things, and knowing what he knows about the people who are being put in charge of things scares the hell out of him.

There is a theory that sooner or later anything in America that is any fun at all will be ruined by people from California.

Anybody who doesn't think that the best hamburger place in teh world is in his home town is a sissy.