Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

Everything I do is intended to make people laugh and think. I just think something is funny, it's not hurting anybody, not stabbing anybody, not shooting anybody, not making anybody watch me perform. There are thousands of comedians, don't come see me because it's not like I hide it.

That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?