If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!

When you are younger, you pretend to believe, but you are proving it to everyone and to yourself. The change comes when you know you're funny on the inside. Then you don't have to prove it to anybody else anymore. That's when you become different and that's when you evolved onto a completely different level, because you know who you are.

If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.