I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich.

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!