I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich.

If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!