Charlie Brown got hit with a line-drive!" "Does anyone here know anything about first-aid?" "It's probably not serious... Second or third-aid will do.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and wonder if my life would be different if I had to do it over... Then a voice comes to me out of the dark that says, "boy, there's an original thought!

If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.

Have you ever known anyone who was happy? And was still in his right mind, I mean.

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.

Travel tips: How to avoid carsickness, seasickness and airsickness... Be careful what you eat. And stay home.

I feel sorry for little babies... When a little baby is born into this cold world, he's confused! He's frightened! He needs something to cheer him up... The way I see it, as soon as a baby is born, he should be issued a banjo!