Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.