Chelsea Handler Quotes

We women have to stick together.

You want to do something a little bit meaningful, because we're not saving the planet or anything, but we want to contribute in a positive way, in a way that makes a difference or makes somebody feel something.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren't necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you're dealing with and don't have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do.

[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.

I think being able to have follow-through, I think a lot of people who are in charge, that is the one quality that you can't forsake. You can get opinions, but you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen when you're envisioning something.

I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied — so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I like to just follow what I find compelling. In order for me to be compelling, I have to be compelled. I don't try to think about what people are interested in seeing, I have to be interested. For me, that works the best.

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

Reality TV's pretty tricky for me. I don't really watch anything like that, because I think it's brain-sucking.