My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. Itโs really sad, because thatโs what my show is all about โ what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
Chelsea HandlerIf diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
Chelsea HandlerI had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
Chelsea HandlerSeeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.
Chelsea Handler