I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.