You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

Of course, the world is different now. There's a glut of comedians with specials, so it's just not possible to make an impact the way Bill Cosby: Himself did. It's like, The Beatles were amazing, but it also helped that not many bands were putting out albums then.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.