Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.