Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

Of course, the world is different now. There's a glut of comedians with specials, so it's just not possible to make an impact the way Bill Cosby: Himself did. It's like, The Beatles were amazing, but it also helped that not many bands were putting out albums then.

I've always prided myself on being able to perform in the "alt-comedy" zone, but also being able to do comedy for people who aren't media-saturated, and maybe don't have the latest Dan Deacon album. I probably won't be the most popular guy at Zanies in Nashville, and I'll never be the coolest dude at Largo, but I like that I can swim in both those waters.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.