Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

I'd like to think I'm a little more memorable or specific now. People laugh at me in a way they wouldn't laugh at another comedian, rather than being like, "Okay, who's the next joke-slinger? Give me some jokes so I may laugh and go about my day!"