Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There's something so awesome about being able to get up in front of a microphone and do exactly what you want. Stand-up is as close as you're ever going to get to being 100 percent in control of a situation artistically, and I don't understand why people wouldn't want to keep doing that.