I had no choice but to make me as a comedian, because I am not particularly gifted with a lot of marketable skills. Unless I really want to spend the rest of my life temping, or teaching drama to third-graders, I don't have a lot of other options - which is freeing, in a way. I never have to say, "Well, I could always go back to law school."

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

It's my genius plan of avoiding any career momentum whatsoever. Definitely the pop-culture thing is something I've avoided in my act. It's just too transitory and ephemeral.

I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.