If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

If I could go back and talk to the me who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That's a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it's really not.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don't necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don't think it comes from happiness, that's for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.