I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

Of course, the world is different now. There's a glut of comedians with specials, so it's just not possible to make an impact the way Bill Cosby: Himself did. It's like, The Beatles were amazing, but it also helped that not many bands were putting out albums then.

It's my genius plan of avoiding any career momentum whatsoever. Definitely the pop-culture thing is something I've avoided in my act. It's just too transitory and ephemeral.