I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.