This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.

Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.

We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.