We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.

We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.

Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!