A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.

Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.