Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.

Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.