Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.

We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.

I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.